The Table of Contents

The most natural method of reading any blog is just to start at the most recent post, and work through in reverse chronological order. That may work fine for non-sequential blogs, but our format is a bit different: the installments (that's what we call our posts here) run roughly from the basics to more involved topics, starting at the earliest post. This has spawned several different methods of reading, that will better avail to the reader the information he wants quickly.

Readers that have dropped in through a Google search for a specific topic, (and if you have, welcome,) you can find similar or related topics using keywords in the Indexatron or the Search box, in the column to your right. Also, the end of each installment in a Series links to every other installment in that same Series.

There are a few different methods if you want to read the entire blog in a logical order to get the most out of it. The easiest is simply to read each installment in chronological order, from oldest to newest. This is easily done: for in addition to the intra-series links I just mentioned, I have also linked every installment to its next and prior chronological installment, and back to the very beginning.

Our Year @ A Glance™ sorts every post throughout each year by its Series, in prose form, to give a good outline of everything covered in that year. If you're the sort of person who likes to browse a blog in scattershot style, the Year @ A Glance™ serves as a good checklist to ensure you don't miss anything.

This Table of Contents, though, is our definitive method of organizing the posts. Every single installment in the entire blog is listed and linked "in book order," regardless of its actual posting date. It takes the reader straight through a logical progression of topics from simplest to more complex, building each upon a framework laid down by the previous. Read it in order, and it becomes the ultimate Tutorial for The Average Guy. Every previous post is accounted for, and any new Appendix that is to follow will be inserted into its proper place in the Contents as well, so the Contents will always be up-to-date.

I: INTRODUCTION

1. Introduction

       --Who I am, what the blog is for, and a general welcome to all.

II: DRESSING THE AVERAGE GUY

PART A: CLASSIC STYLE
   
1. The First Great Secret
         --The real purpose of clothing.
2. An Army of One
         --"Dressing Well for Dummies" with just a sports jacket.
3. How, More Than What
         --The importance of balance and insouciance.
4. It Is What It Is
         --Sussing the purpose of your clothes by their names.
5. The Path of Least Resistance
         --An admonition to "go the extra mile."
6. But What of the Oscars?
         --Introduction to the rules of Classic Style.
7. The Science of Style
         --Proper proportion must relate to the human form.
8. Throwing Fits
         --The use of illusion can improve your form.

PART B: THE GREAT SECRETS

1. Lost in the Eighties, For Instance
         --The Second Great Secret.
2. Lost in the Other Eighties
         --The Second Great Secret's codicil.
3. Personality, Incorporated
         --Blending proper balance with the Second Great Secret.  
4. Proving the Rule
         --The Second Great Secret, illustrated.
5. The Kentucky Derby: or Why The British Hate Us
         --The Third Great Secret.

PART C: TREASURE HUNTING

1. Sock It To Me
         --Of socks, and tone-matching to your environment.
2. The Need for Tweed
         --The art of tone-matching, explained.
3. Keeping Your Balance
         --Find your sartorial center; the basic Continuum Cube concept.
         Appendix 2: The Calculus of Dressing
                  -- The full version of the advanced Continuum Cube.
4. The Measure of a Man
         --How to take your own measurements.
5. To Save or Splurge?
         --The economies of dressing well.
6. Want. Get. Have.
         --Clothes shopping, the manly way.
7. Back to Basics
         --A short admonition to "be prepared."
8. The Futurists Lied to You
         --Learn to appreciate the economy of time.

III: FOOTWEAR

1. The Game's A Foot
         --A look at proper footwear.
2. Shoe-In
         --A diversity of shoes.

IV: HEADWEAR

1. Da Capo
         --The flat cap as transitional headwear.
2. Hatiquette
         --The logic behind when to wear a hat, and when not to.
3. The Hats of Summer
         --Of warm-weather headgear.

V: NECKWEAR

1. Spicy Tie Recipes
         --A short introduction to proper neckwear.
2. A Ruff History of Neckwear
         --History, from 1500 to 1800.
3. Taking Stock of the Cravat
         --History, from 1800 to 2000.
         Appendix 1: The Art of Tying the Cravat.
                  --A closer look at the classic works.
4. Win, Lose or Tie.
         --An overview of modern tie options.
5. A Four in Hand is worth Eight in the Bush
         --The art of knot tying.
6. Bow Diddley.
          --The bow tie and its proportions.
7. You Bet Your Ascot
         --The formal ascot: wearing, making, and substituting.
8. Day Cravattitude.
         --The casual day cravat: wearing, making, and substituting.
9. It's Hip to Be Square
         --Neckerchiefs: variations and history.
10 Scarf it Up, Scarf it Down
         --Is the scarf the tie of the future?

VI: ACCESSORIES

1. A Pocketful of Balance
         --Balance, accessories, (and a detour to the Mayan calender.)
2. Accessorial Tutorial
         --Traditional accessories and their uses.
3. Kitted Out
         --Ideas for modern accessories.

VII: SEASONAL VARIATIONS

1. Spring Break Experimentation!
         --Vacation wear.
2. Venial Equinoxious
         --Dressing for the Spring.
3. The Shirt Off Your Back
         --When to not wear a jacket.
4. Go Out and Play
         --Autumnal recreational attire.

VIII: PACKING AND STORING

1. Time to Put Up Your Toys
         --How to pack away your summer shirts.
2. As The Wardrobe Turns
         --How to pack away your winter wear.

IX: FABLES

1. Drastic Measures Required
         --A short fable of modern headwear.
2. Aaah! They're Coming This Way!
         --A fable on attire when society crumbles.
3. The Fighting Yank is Laid Low
         --The fable of a little statue.
4. The Fighting Yank Rises
         --The vindication of the little statue.
5. The Fighting Yank 3: Yank's Revenge
         --The little statue returns.

X: LESSONS OF HISTORY   

1. Yes, Miss, I find your shallowness most diverting.
         --The importance of proper social education in youth.
         Appendix 3: Mandatory Finishing-School.
                  -- Put the polish on your own social education today.
2. Former Casual, Formal Causual.
         --The development and evolution of what we wear.
3. Downton, Things'll Be Great When You're Downton
         --Lessons from historical drama like Downton Abbey.
4. The Political Uniform
         --Why the universal black suit is a bad idea.
5. Easter Parading
         --The history of the April sartorial tradition.
6. Proper Toppers
        --A brief history of the top hat.
7. The Essential Accessory, Pt.1
         --The history of tobacco, from antiquity to 1820.
8. The Essential Accessory, Pt. 2
         --The history of tobacco, from 1820 to today.
9. The Essential Accessory, Pt. 3
         --Correlating smoking to fashion.
10. The Essential Accessory, Pt. 4
         --The search for a new essential.

XI: EVENING SEMIFORMAL -- THE DINNER SUIT

1. The PROMulgation of the PROMise of PROMpt PROMiscuity.
         --The Prom as an introduction to Black Tie.
2. The Tony Tygers
         --Critique of the 2011 Tony Awards
3. Emmy or Isn't He?
         --Critique of the 2011 Emmy Awards
4. Just Feel Those Golden Globes!
         --Critique of the 2012 Golden Globe Awards
5. SAG Like A Gansta In The Quarter-Formals, Yo!
         --Critique of the 2012 SAG Awards
6. Oscar Grouching
         --Critique of the 2012 Oscars (part 1)
7. Who's the Dandy? Oscars Edition
         --Off-site critique of the 2012 Oscars (part 2)
8. Correspondents and Spectators
         --Critique of the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner.
9. Generation Degeneration
         --Critique of the 2012 Billboard Music Awards.
10. Em & Emmy
         --Critique of the 2012 Emmy Awards.

XII: NIGHT FORMAL --  THE DRESS SUIT

1. The Scariest Thing I've Seen This Year
         --A look at White Tie, through the Alfred E. Smith Dinner.

XIII: DAY FORMAL -- THE MORNING SUIT

1. The Wedding of the Century, version 2.0 (beta)
         --Introduction to morning wear, via Will and Kate.
2. The Wedding of Prince Georg Von Sloppypants
         --Morning formal wear, and the perils thereof.

XIV: THE ISLAND OF MISFIT CLOTHES

AKA: THE TAILORING SERIES

1. Manly Machinery
         --Essential equipment.
2. Say Hello To My Little Friend
         --How to make your own tailor's form.
3. Who's Got The Button?
         --A simple adjustment of your button stance.
4. Going to Waist
         --Waistband alterations, quick-and-easy style.
5. Waist Not, Want Not
         --Waistband alterations, in-depth style.
6. Presto Change-O Jacket Size-O
         --The interrelationship of size, balance, and fit of a jacket.
7. Suit and Suitability
         --Choosing a project suit for our purposes.
8. Carving a Turkey
         --Disassembly.
9. Wrapper's Delight
         --Marking and pinning.
10. Marked Improvements
         --Stitch-marking and unpinning.
11. Sliding Into First Baste   
         --Manipulating and basting.
12. Things Start Coming Together
         --Hand-stitching; shoulderwork.
13. Cold Shoulders
         --Setting the sleeves.
14. Happy, Sleevey, Doc
          --Sewing the sleeves to the armscye.
15. Hemming and Hawing
         --Lining and finishing.
16. Liner Notes
         --How to simply un-line a jacket for use in the summer.
17. Let's Get Shanked
         --Re-visiting button stance, with shanked buttons.

XV: HARDWARE

1. I Am Iron Man
         --Rebuilding a classic iron: disassembly.
2. Ion Iron
         --Derusting via electrolysis, and operating diagnosis.
3. Irons in the Fire
         --Repair and refurbishment.
4. Strike While the Iron's Hot
         --Cleaning and reassembly.

XVI: MEN OF THE YEAR

1. The TT&S Bow Tie Man of the Year (2011)
         --The exemplars of the art of the bow tie.
2. The TT&S Razor Square Man of the Year (2011)
         --The exemplars of the art of the pocket square.
3. The TT&S Bow Tie Man of the Year (2012)
         --The exemplars of the art of the bow tie.
4. The TT&S Razor Square Man of the Year (2012)
         --The exemplars of the art of the pocket square.

XVII: EPILOGUE

1. Epilogue
         --A bookend for the blog.
   

Wheels of Progress

At last, the moment you've all been waiting for -- the rusty old wheels in the blog machine have begun grinding and churning again! We've taken some time off (well, a year off, actually) from posting regular installments, but as I mentioned last time we met, the blog has not been forgotten in the interim, and all those topics I had mentioned last time -- and more! -- are indeed in the pipeline, and there will be bloggy goodness forthcoming in future weeks!

The format will be a bit different, as I alluded to earlier, and I've put some serious thought into how Dress Like A Grownup! will operate in the upcoming months and years.

I began the first two years of posts as a self-contained tutorial that the Average Guy, starting from zero, can use to learn to dress himself in an adult manner; and I want to keep that original intention intact. So what to do with the new posts? I could make a new start with a sort of Phase Two that covers more esoterica, sort of a "Year Three Advanced course." I get the nagging feeling, though, that particular tack would detract from the core readership of Dress Like A Grownup! that we've set out to reach. It's important to keep the Average Guys in mind, and not leave them behind. In some way, we need to make the information always relatable to the sartorial neophytes.

I thought about how I could take that new information and intersperse it right in amongst the old posts: go back and insert elaboration of specific topics right where the old ones left off, and back-date them to a day after the original posts. Although artifically inflating the previous two years has its advantages, (not the least of which is greater consistency amongst the topics,) doing so runs against the very nature of a blog -- posting new information in sequential order. More importantly, it would be unfair to new readers, who would have to plumb the depths of previous posts to suss out the new data. It might work if I were editing a book, but it's important to keep what's already been written at least somewhat historically sacrosanct.

Then it hit me -- "if I were editing a book." That was the key! That's how I can include tangential, esoteric information, relate it back to the Average Guy who is starting from Square One, and still keep it in the forefront of the blog as new, up-to-date postings: new posts will be in the form of Appendices. Each appendice will relate in some form to a previous installment, and will link to and from the original post. That way, the Average Guy working through the Series can have a ready link to advanced information, new readers can link from new posts into the Series, and any new stuff is right out front for everyone.

The new format will give me a little latitude: most notably, I can devote some new posts to expanding upon those topics that have been most popular with readers. I can elaborate on some topics that have not been given proper attention previously. And I can get a little crazy and include some oddball topics as well. But most everything from here on out will be in the form of an Appendix.

The new topics will be coming occassionally and irregularly, as time allows and the whimsy takes me; but each will be for the most part in my favored long-form or multi-part format, so the wait will be worth it! 

The First Great Secret

(Part One of the series "Dressing the Average Guy.")

Chapter 1

My Valentine's Day present for all of you, my newest, bestest Average Guy friends, is to share with you a Great Secret, the first of many such secrets you will learn. This "insider intel" (shh--don't tell anyone,) known to a select few, will among other things, unlock the secrets of male/female relationships to you forever, the intricacies of which are completely lost on the, well, average Average Guy. Here it is -- lean in close and I shall whisper it to you.

The purpose of clothing -- the very reason for the existence of raiment itself -- is to make you look better than you really do. 

It's not just to cover you up and make you warm. Imagine that! Short men can look taller -- Skinny men can look athletic -- Fat men can look thinner. Girls understand this concept inherently, and use it to their benefit.

It is important to know something, before we continue: Women do not dress to impress you. Women dress to impress each other, and could not care one whit what you think about the matter. This is because women know their dog has more fashion sense than you do. How do they come to this conclusion? By simple observation. Want proof? Take the opportunity to look around you this Valentine's Day, and pay close attention to the couples walking around, going about their business. (Don't be too obvious about this -- if you end up getting arrested, I'll deny everything.)

Notice that the womanly half of the equation is pretty well put together, by men's standards. Her hair is combed, for instance, and probably cut into a pleasing style. She wears clothes that are clean, pressed, match in color and pattern, fit without unsightly bags and wrinkles, and are appropriate to wherever she happens to be. She accessorizes with various shiny bits and baubles that add to the elegant effect of the ensemble. Her shoes, (even though they may look like medieval torture devices, with buckles, straps, and spikes,) are made with art and quality. Notice, too, that the total effect is to make the gal look somewhat attractive. That is, the overall goal of the exercise is not to make herself look short and dumpy and shapeless.

Now, (if you can pull yourself away from your ogling -- shame on you,) direct your gaze to a man that accompanies one of these beautiful visions. By comparison, he looks as if he just crawled out of a bog after a nap following a rugby tournament. His hair is unkempt, too long, disheveled, even greasy looking. Several days of stubble sprout from his chin. The extent of his upper attire is a tee-shirt, usually in black or grey, with a corporate logo or pithy witticism thereupon, unwashed, untucked. A baseball cap may sit upon his head, apparently serving no function other than to inadvertently spare the general public from having to see too much of his hair. Below the waist, he wears jeans of some shade of blue, or chinos, or shorts, tatty and ragged. His pants sit somewhere about his lower hips, the excess length pooling around his ankles, as if his trousers are trying desperately to somehow escape from the service it has been forced to do by hurling itself to the ground. His pants drag behind him on the floor, dirty and threadbare. And under the pants, some form of athletic shoe.

Notice, too, that this couple, side-by-side, look completely out of balance. The gal looks more mature, more put together, and older. The guy, despite his actual age, why, he looks like a child tagging along behind his mother, shuffling his feet in obstinance.

Now look at yourself in the mirror.

The problem starts in childhood: attention isn't
properly paid to boys' attire.

Boys don't learn proper dress, so as they grow,
they perpetuate the errors of their youth.

Everything a man wears, without correction,
becomes an extension of his childhood dress.

Even the most formalized event
becomes variation on a slovenly theme.

Girls, of course, know that left to yourself, you'd dress like this all the time, so they dress for their friends -- and when your presence would embarrass them in front of their friends, they try to dress you.

But now -- well, now, you know the Great Secret, don't you? Starting today, (and what better time than Valentine's Day,) start dressing for the opposite sex. You're not a slave to the unflattering tee-shirt, that emphasizes your skinny biceps and beer gut! You're not beholden to loose, flappy jeans that make you stubby legs and all torso!

But how do you start? I understand this may be all too much at first. The room spins, the world turns upside down, nothing is as it was! Sit down, breathe into a paper bag, and relax. I'm here for you.

Start out slow. For starters, get a haircut. Trust me on this. Cut it, wash it, comb it. Shave, shower, use a deodorant. Get your own body clean and in order.

Now, mimic the same techniques that women use to care for their own clothes. Don't worry about changing your wardrobe yet -- just use what you have. Wash it, press it, hang it. Wait -- press it? You got it, Sparky, learn to use an iron. Clean your shoes, really scrub 'em down. Now, take what you have, and the next time you get dressed, instead of just throwing it on, take some thought to pick out what goes together.

So what's the point of this exercise? Simply, before you can improve yourself, you have to have the positive intention to do so. In point of fact, how you wear your clothes is more important than what clothes you wear -- a theory to which we will give some attention next time. So give it a try, wear what you have with care and attention, and see if you don't notice an immediate difference between now and the next time we see each other.

Click here to go to the next essay chronologically, Part Two of Dressing the Average Guy.

Click here to go back to the beginning.

Introduction

Chapter 0

Hello, and welcome to my blog! I'm happy you found your way here, to my little alley on the information superhighway. Since you're reading this now, several years after I first wrote it, it's fairly safe to assume you've recently discovered this blog, perhaps through a websearch, read a few posts -- and then decided to read the whole thing from end to end, so you've jumped to the very beginning to get a proper start.

This tells me a couple of things about you. First, that you are already a fan of Dress Like A Grownup!, so much so that you want the Whole Experience. For that, I thank you, and you will not be disappointed. Second, you probably have a touch of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and have a drive to "do it right," by reading the blog in its entirety, and in chronological order. There's certainly nothing wrong with that -- I'm the same way, and if you have a mind for detail and history, you will be rewarded with as much sartorial goodness as you can cram in your noggin, and will come out the other side as a much better-dressed and better-informed man.

As a reward for your diligence, I shall be completely self-aggrandizing for this first post, and tell you about something which I am guaranteed to care a good deal more about than you are; namely, myself. Introductory statements are usually similarly egocentric, you know -- future installations will spare you such humdrummery.

Assumed armorial
achievement of The Author.

I was born in West Virginia, with ancestral pre-colonial family roots in the UK: Eskdale, York, and Wales. My youth was spent moving with my family around the U.S., as my chemical engineer father's job transfers dictated. My education was centered more or less in the graphic design and art history fields. I'm currently settled in the Piedmont of North Carolina, and have done many entertaining things that usually combine an odd mix of a love of art, history, and engineering -- and there are very few vocations that mix these three disciplines as well as tailoring does. In addition to this blog, I have guest-written posts on other blogs, and authored several books.

My Web-based business venture, Mr Thompson's Ties & Squares, is a creative outlet that lets me put my theories into practice, in the form of bow ties of distinctive design, and various accessories like my Razor Square™ pocket squares. They are unique, well-made, and quite frankly really cool, (and you should spend lots of your money on them.) But honestly, this blog isn't about that, and you won't see it mentioned too awfully much, other than a banner ad on the left sidebar, or tootle my own horn about it here. After all, I'm not here to sell you stuff; I'm here to educate and entertain you.

Every blog needs a raison d'être, and certainly, this particular blog casts a critical eye on what men are wearing, on the street, in public, in private, and at formal functions. But, unlike many Men's Fashion Blogs out there, (of which the number are legion,) I'm not going to focus solely on the high-end, money-be-damned options for the sartorially adventurous.

Oh, no, my friends -- the focus here is on the Average Guy: the man who knows the value of a penny because he works for it. The student, who is just starting out saddled with tremendous debt, in a job-market saturated with his peers. The businessman, who diligently doles his paycheck out for those necessary things that help him get by in the world. And the down-on-his-luck man, beaten by the economy and fallen on hard times, for whom every dollar is hard-won and precious.

In short, the sort of man who, given his druthers, would dress in a tee-shirt, ratty blue jeans and sneakers every day of his life. The guy who, if he has to wear a jacket to the office, wears one only begrudgingly -- and one his wife picks out and buys for him. The guy who needs to have his wife tie his tie for him. The guy who would get married in a rental tux, or worse, whose dizzying heights of formality were reached at his prom.

Our primary goal -- to take the Everyday Guy, who has gone from being dressed by his mother to being dressed by his wife, whose limit of sartorial creativity was arrested at about ten years of age, and by the end of the series, to make him into a fully-functioning man who, of his own volition, can dress himself like a grownup, and can do it by spending no more money than he did previously to his transformation. We'll start right in with Part One of our series on Dressing The Average Guy, and start construction of our New Man by ripping down the old edifice to the foundations, beginning with the next installment.

Above all, Dress Like A Grownup! is an entertaining read, light-hearted yet knowledgeable, in the vein of the classic Esquire and Man About Town magazines of the 1950s. Casually witty, caustically cutting, brim-full of educational insights and brilliant suggestions; all wrapped up in a glossy package of run-on sentences, complex phrasing, choppy paragraphs, and punctuation that eschews periods like the plague.

So settle yourself in your favorite armchair with a glass of your favorite beverage, and stop in often for my pointless ramblings insightful views. As far as blogs go, you're guaranteed to always get your money's worth here!

Click here to go to the next essay chronologically, Part One of Dressing the Average Guy.