Sock It To Me

Chapter 76

This week, we're going to dial it back a little, and go back to the basics of an Average Guy sartorial education. It's summer, it's hot, you're on vacation, and the last thing you want to do on vacation is overly tax your brains. So we'll keep it simple -- a topic so simple, it's often overlooked among the suits and hats and shoes, which get all the attention.

Let's consider socks. That's right: socks, the part of your attire that is quite literally the furthest from your mind. Socks are important, but too often overlooked in the heady rush to find the perfect jacket, the most awesome tie, or the ideal hat. The sock serves a mundane, utilitarian function: in winter, thick wooly ones keep your ankles warm; in summer, light cottony ones keep your shoes from getting sweaty and smelly. The sock is a small part of your attire from the point of view of fashion, but it is an important one nonetheless.

If you think of your socks as something that is never seen, then you are wearing your trousers too long. If your trousers are the proper length in the leg, whether straight or cuffed, the front should just break over the instep of your shoe, and cut back at a slight angle toward the rear, long enough to cover your socks completely, and the top ¼ to ½ inch of your shoes. When standing, no sock should be seen -- but when walking briskly, a flash of sock should be visible. When sitting normally in a chair, a couple inches of sock should be shown -- and when sitting cross-legged, several inches of sock is very visible.

What should your socks look like? Patience: we'll get there...

Let's deal with the issue of length first. When wearing trousers, your socks should be long enough that you never show a hint of leg, at any time. Test this by kneeling down, or by pulling your knee up to your chest. If there's as much as a glimpse of your hairy old calves, your socks are too short, and you need to purchase a longer size: calf-length or over-the-calf. When you wear shorts (e.g., on vacation) you need socks that are ankle-length. Calf-length socks with shorts are verboten. Don't cheat by scrunching long socks down, or rolling them: one looks sloppy, the other effeminate. True ankle-length only, that covers the ankle bones: for low-rise socks are an abomination. No socks are worn while swimming, approaching the sea to swim, or walking from the sea after having swum. Period.

If you like hand-knitted socks, garters are still made. 

Next, we move on to construction. Most socks are made with elastic sewn into the top these days, rendering sock garters unnecessary and wrinkled, droopy socks a thing of the past. If you have muscled calves that push your socks down, wear an over-the-calf model. There's no reason for droopy socks in today's world. Stay away from tube-style socks: your feet aren't shaped like tubes, nor should your socks be. Good socks will have reinforced toe caps, be made with a heel, and fit within a narrow range of shoe sizes -- not a one-size-fits-all.

Now, let's discuss materials. Stout wool is good insulation from the cold, cotton for heat and sportswear (although thin merino wool wicks perspiration better than cotton ever could,) any number of manufactured rayon/dacron/etc. blends are available, as well as more exotic materials like cashmere. There is but one place for thin black silk, and that is formalwear. A modern trend that bears consideration, and my personal preference, are socks made of bamboo viscose fiber; they have antimicrobial properties, as well as being remarkably soft and comfortable, they wick well, and are reasonably hard-wearing. Ultimately, you should be less concerned with exactly of what your socks are made, and more concerned with how much they cost, how long they last, how well they work, and how good they look.

That leads us to value. While it may seem to be a good deal to reach for the cheapest bag-o-socks at the big box store at five dollars a dozen, you will get a better bang for your buck by purchasing single pairs of higher quality. Pick and choose your selected colors and patterns, rotate through your socks, and discard them out of rotation at the first sign of thinning at the heel, and you will get more wears per dollar than "discount" socks can give you. This doesn't mean more expensive means longer lasting; by that logic, some Italian socks would last forever!

The price-value curve is a sharply-flattening asymptotic one in sockdom: a very small investment over the bargain-basement offerings can yield a sock of much higher quality, but you won't see much more improvement than that, even at a much higher price.

Now, the best quality and value sock on the planet will be of no use if it looks like moldy burlap, so now we'll turn our attention to appearances.

First, white socks of any description should not be worn with trousers -- ever. Wear them for sportswear, or at the gym. They have no other place in an adult's wardrobe.

As to color, pay no attention to the fashion bloggers who argue amongst themselves as to whether socks should match the trousers, match the shoes, match the tie, et cetera. Be more concerned with tone matching. Don't wear bright-colored socks for business use. Your work suiting will be in charcoals and greys and perhaps browns, maybe with pinstripes or overchecks, on largely smooth and plain fabrics -- in old-fashioned terms, "town wear." Match your socks to the sombre tone, with charcoals and greys and blacks. Don't go more extravagant than pindots or birdseyes, and keep the socks in a smooth or lightly ribbed texture. At work, your socks should be thoroughly in the background, and your tie should do the work of personalization alone.

After work, or with "country wear," is where you can let your personality show a bit more. Think of the relationship of sock to trousers as parallel to that of pocket square and jacket; a bit of color that enhances the overall impact of an outfit without overwhelming it. In the cooler months, where your suiting tends toward heavier or more textured wools and corduroys, your socks should become proportionately thicker and more heavily ribbed or textured as well. Your palette can run to the colors of fall, the rusts, russets, greens, greys, and burgundys; but muted and darkened in hue, and always tone-matched to your outfit. Patterns of herringbone, checks, stripes, houndstooth, tartan, and the ubiquitous Argyle can add some variety and interest to your lower extremities in the winter months.

As winter gives way to spring, and the world brightens around you, the muted tones can give way to brighter hues. As the dark suits of January gradually melt into the sport coats and tan trousers of April, your socks should brighten as well. Lighter tans and browns with stripes, checks, or figures work well with khakis and loafers, and your Argyle and houndstooth selections can become more vibrant as the weather clears and the trees awaken.

The heat of summer, with its commensurate explosion of color and style and general air of vacationality, is the time to go more experimental, like socks that exactly match your shirt or pocket square. Pastel socks in complementary colors: canary yellow against light blue trousers? Why not! Horizontal stripes, or bright multi checks? Sure! Anything goes; summer is the time to go a little crazy, as long as the outfit is in proper balance. For instance, a Bermuda suit with an aloha shirt needs a light solid-color ankle sock to ground it somewhat. Remember that all resort shorts need ankle socks, and unless you are playing shuffleboard or tennis, they should not be white, should tone-match the outfit, and most likely be plain.

The perfectly-engineered sock hanger.

Just a final few words about care: don't store your socks by pairing them together and turning them inside out in a bundle. Everyone does it, I know...but stop. It wears the elastic out prematurely, pulls them out of shape, and hides any wear (and the patterns and colors!) from view. If your socks come on wee little hangers, save them. Smooth your socks flat out of the dryer, re-hang them, and either lay them in a drawer or hang them up. You can choose a pair much easier, and inspect the heel wear at the same time. It may seem a bit fussy at first, but trust me: you'll thank me after the first two weeks.

Oh, one last thing: you will notice, in your sock shopping, that men's socks in the mid-price range are disturbingly mundane. Most are plain and dark; fine for work. Some are tan and grey and figured, and there are a few subtle checks and several Argyles. Once you find those, you will find yourself against a wall fairly rapidly. You will look in vain for the bright colors and vibrant patterns you know exist, but apparently not in your price range. Here's a secret: peek in the women's-wear section of the store. Socks are unisex, despite their packaging: if it fits, it fits. Sometimes the careful application of The Other Side's socks can give just the right effect to a bright summer ensemble. (Shh...I won't tell if you won't.)

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Generation Degeneration

Chapter 68

This week, we're looking at influence. Specifically, what the young-and-impressionable set do when they see adults acting and dressing a certain way: they copy them as best they can.

Children learn through imitation. 'Tis always been so. If they were fortunate, they learned from their parents first, then from tutors, then professors, then professionals. If they were less fortunate, they learned from orphanage directors, then from Dickensian factory masters. All right, there were also shades of demarcation between those two extremes...but the point is, for most of human history, kids were the passive observers. The adults were going about their adult-y business, and the kids absorbed the proper way to go about things in an adult mode.

Then, media happened, and very wealthy men who should know better discovered that children were commodities that could be pandered to directly. Instead of children looking up to adults, the adults stooped to the level of children. And they kept stooping, lower and lower, each generation.

So, let's peek at the adult side of the equation, through the most childish of the "serious" awards events. (We're discounting venues like MTV and the Kids' Choice Awards, as these are deliberately aimed at a child's maturity level; there is thus nothing to be learnt from them.) No, we shall look at the Billboard Music Awards. Specifically, the Magnum- Jergens- Bioré- Sunkist- ABC- John Frieda- Chevrolet- Sundrop- Sony- MGM Grand- Billboard Music Awards. Unlike most of the Hollywoody events that reward talent, ability, originality, or excellence, the BMA gives out trophies to who sold the most crap. That's all -- trophies to whomever had the broadest, most general appeal to the largest number of average meatbots with access to iTunes.

Their music, and its effect on young ears and young minds, is another issue entirely. Fortunately, this is Dress Like A Grownup! and the focus here is on the threads, not the sounds, that these cats are throwing down out there.

Because of events like the Billboard awards, we have a unique opportunity to see who the children of today are looking to for their stylistic adjuvants. This is not a formal awards show; there is nary a tuxedo to be seen. This is an event for the uber hip and mega trendy. And while there are some truly mind-numbing aberrations, there is also some hope for the future.

Because this is Dress Like A Grownup!, we're not going to focus on the girls here, as most are doing at Miley Cyrus' typical post-Disnoid idiocy; but look instead at some of the going trends among the men present. As always, where necessary, I shall adjust the contrast of the images to highlight the details.

We'll start off with the worst of the bunch. Not surprisingly, a child tops the list. Multimillionaire Justin Bieber is dressed --albeit poorly-- for the first day of a lower-middle class urban high school. His handler probably dressed him thusly. Note the chunky trainers and long sleeves pulled to the elbow. Notice, too, a textbook example of the striking disproportion of modern fashion: his torso appears quite literally twice as long as his stumpy little legs.

A bit older that the Beeb, but notice Chris Brown's trainers, elbowed sleeves, and tee shirt. It's a more mature suit, but the kiddy fashion trend remains. Worn properly, the suit might even (barely) pass for a tux, but this is the extent that dressing-down takes. And it looks, I'm sorry to say, patently ridiculous.

Josiah Bell, more of the same: Miami Vice up top, Rosie the Riveter down below. The frustrating thing is, worn properly, this wouldn't be a bad outfit at all. Sleeves down, real shoes, and a day cravat under the tee, and he'd be quite stylish.

Robin Thicke, now we know you're just glomming on -- you look far too ill at ease to believe you actually look good. In fact, you look disturbingly like your dad thirty years ago.

As bad as the above examples are, it looks outright elegant compared to this. I don't know what, if anything, Kuba Ka was thinking here.

Wiz Khalifa proves that a (potentially) nice waistcoat does not always save the ensemble from absolutely everything else.

Michael Lockwood models the latest in burlesque clown-suittery. Just, what? Ever see a five-year-old girl go through her grandparents' closet? This is actually worse than that.

Now that we've hit rock bottom, we'll draw some attention to some guys that understood what was going on. Not brilliant execution in some cases, but at least some effort was given.

Gavin Degraw, at least, is trying. A nice suit with a belt, even an acceptable tie --remember this is not a formal event-- but the red hat and black shirt just end up looking goofy. Notice the trendy trousers that are so extremely narrow that they are forced to gather in folds above the shoes, unable to break properly over them.

John Legend, oh! so close! The jogging pants and sneaks are just stupid, and unutterably out of place with the jacket. Sleeve length notwithstanding, I kinda dig the black band collar shirt with the futuristic grey fly-front minijacket. Because, like, buttonholes are so passé.

Luke Bryan's summery casual ensemble almost works. White jackets are quite acceptable in this venue. Even the bit loafers can't atone for the open shirt, unfortunately. Even without a tie, a simple day cravat would have nailed the look.

Linkin Park did a fairly good job channeling the Carter era with their denim leisure-suity ensembles. This is a good example of striking the proper balance for this casual event. Any less than this would have looked too casual because of the nature of the material involved; any addition to it would end up looking affected.

Miguel shows the hazards of mismatching. All the parts are there, but they aren't coalescing into a unified whole. The matching trousers would have worked much better -- even with the untucked shirt. And I don't say that often.

Compare with Eric Benet. This is actually a really nice suit in all regards, and an expert study in color and pattern matching. If I were to nitpick, it's that the double breasted waistcoat, with the low crossover, is better suited to a bow tie. Perhaps overall the suit is a little too bright for this function: it would be better "suited" to an outdoor event, or a resort.

Co-host of the event Ty Burrell got it right, a good casual mix that hits the right buttons. All wrong for formal wear, of course, but for this, not bad at all. The batwing tie is especially nice, and a great reminder that bow ties do not always equal formality.

The Wanted tried to pull off a unified mid-century retro vibe within the current minisuit fashion, but it turned out looking a little over-staged. You can see their handler in your mind's eye, a la The Wonders: "You're the front man; you wear the vest. You, no tie; you're the bad boy. You, just loosen your tie, 'cuz you don't care. You, you're the goofy one; you wear the bow tie, and everyone wear a square except....you." Still, high marks for the attempt at a choreographed put-together classic look.

Especially compared with, say, Patent Pending. Ush. At least they are wearing ties, and that puts them all head and shoulders above the Beeb.

We'll end this installment on the best of the evening: 

Jason Derulo has it down cold, and wins my award for best dressed at an event where no one is really dressed at all. This is a perfect outfit for a casual awards event. It's not formal wear, although it is quite dressy and elegant: it shows just the right amount of interest and fun without calling undue attention to itself. Proper shoes, trousers that fit, and a diamond patterned tone-on-tone shawl collar smoking jacket, over a white band-collar shirt, buttoned up with no tie. The fit is impeccable -- this is how it is done. Children, pay attention.

There were many good examples of smart dress in attendance for children to emulate...but for each tastefully casual example, there were legions of musical yahoos who were so busy trying to out-unique each other, they ended up looking identical in their awfulness. These guys are in a unique position: they are not only stars, they are ad hoc fashion icons for the millions of young'uns that listen to their music and follow their concerts. Too few -- far too few -- take that responsibility seriously.

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An Army of One

("Springtime and the Average Guy," part three of three)

Chapter 60

Dress Like A Grownup! continues its miniseries on the clothes of Springtime this week, by appealing again to the Average Guy. As my little blog builds worldwide fame and acclaim amongst my ever-growing cadré of readers and followers, there will always be a man who is starting from Square One -- the man who comes to that epiphanal moment in his life, when he looks at himself in the mirror and says something along the lines of "Egad; I'm dressed like a ten year old!" And then decides to do something about it.

But, facing the daunting task of absorbing over a year's worth of information can be overwhelming for the novice. What is the Average Guy to do? Go back to the very beginning and read every blog installment, in sequence -- or at the very least, to read "Dress Like A Grownup! Volume One," the bookbound distillation of our Dressing the Average Guy series? It will take weeks if you follow the directions contained therein. Is there a short-cut that can be taken in the meantime, that will suffice to get the Average Guy through the Spring season with minimal effort?

Why, yes, there is. What I am about to impart to you may change your life and the way you think about clothes. You, the Average Guy, can slingshot your sartorial training far forward in one simple step, while you build your discipline and educational background for being truly well dressed, in your own time. You don't have to understand the whys and wherefores, the history or the theory. Just go through the motions for now, and fill in the blanks as you go.

If there was ever a "Dressing Well for Dummies," this is it. Education optional, plug-and-play simplicity. It involves the purchase of exactly one item to supplement your existing wardrobe: 

One lightweight cotton or wool sports jacket. That's all. Your Spring can be fundamentally transformed. It's like magic.

If you are a student on your Dress Like A Grownup! path to sartorial excellence™, so much the better! Students are notoriously light on discretionary funds, and spare scratch to spend on new and better clothing is hard to come by, what with more pressing matters to attend to, like beer. textbooks and lab fees. The purchase of this one jacket can stand in for a good half-dozen or more uses, and, as a rising tide lifts all boats, will make your current wardrobe that tiny bit more acceptable by its presence -- that is, until you can afford to supplement your wardrobe with, well, real clothes.

First, let's look at just what you need in this aforementioned "sports jacket." It may be of a light and neutral color and pattern, preferably notch-lapelled and single-breasted, to match a variety of outfits. It should be of a light cotton or wool, either unlined, half-lined, or very lightly constructed. This is spring, after all, and if you are unused to wearing anything but a greasy tee-shirt, a light jacket will cause you the least amount of discomfort. And it needs to fit. It also doesn't have to be new, if you can find something serviceable at the secondhand store. You needn't worry about the details of style at this point, as this is basically "emergency wear" to get you through the first weeks of your newly-found adultitude without undue duress. You will undoubtedly replace it as you discover your sartorial center in time; and you will not wear it beyond mid-summer in any case.

Now, we'll demonstrate how this simple jacket alone can transform the average man's wardrobe into something approaching acceptability. 

The baseline for mediocrity in men's wear the world over is an untucked tee-shirt, hip-hugger jeans, and some form of flippity-flop footwear. Atrocious, you'll agree. Now add the jacket. Voila -- your outfit is now "ironically casual." Still awful, but now less so.

Let's up the ante a bit, to what most men call "dressing up," to a polo shirt, khaki chinos, and athletic shoes. An adult society might call this barely acceptable attire for even mowing your lawn. But put your jacket on, and hey-presto, you've crossed the line into a fine sort of sporty-casual, easy as that.

Say you're really putting on the Ritz, going out to dinner for instance. You'll wear your "good jeans," and a short-sleeved shirt. You thought that was just fine before...but add your jacket, and alakazam! Instant spring-dressy. 

Let's say it's chilly and drizzly, and you put on your usual cold-weather gear: your "warm jeans" and a sweatshirt. But wait! The addition of your jacket makes a sharp rainy-day ensemble!

Now let's go the other direction: warm and sunny. What would you wear? Cargo shorts and a short-sleeve shirt, perhaps? Not so fast -- add that same light jacket, and you've just made a Bermuda suit!

Surely there can't be more...but yes! You're at the beach, on vacation, soaking up the rays, or at the cabana. Swim trunks and flip flops are the norm. You can't mean -- but I can! Trunks and a jacket? Absolutely! Easier to remove than a shirt, with better flow-through, and no sunburning. Bonus: worn with a scarf, it's a classic resort look from the '40s.

So you see, there's no limit to what a simple jacket can do, and no situation that doesn't benefit from wearing one. It's simple, easy, and universal. It's not the end of the road -- far from it, but it's a good first step to dressing well.

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Venial Equinoxious

("Springtime and the Average Guy," part one of three)

Chapter 58

Spring! It's not just an arbitrary date when the weather starts getting nicer, you know; it's a specific point in space when the axis of our little blue marble lines up most nearly perpendicularly to the plane of its orbit. The sun shines square down upon the equator, and for a brief moment, at 1:13 DST in the morning on Tuesday, March 20, daytime and nighttime are exactly 12 hours each. (Well, 12 hours 6½ seconds each, if you want to get really specific.) The days have been getting longer bit by bit since the winter solstice, of course; at first so slowly as to be barely noticeable, but now the daily lengthening is happening in earnest. And here, at the tipping point when light starts overtaking dark, and the solar ecliptic continues its inexorable glide up to the Tropic of Cancer, something clicks, and the world (the northern half, anyway,) starts waking up.

The winter has been full of advanced tailoring concepts here at Dress Like A Grownup!, what with awards critiques and suit surgeries and such, but lest we run too far ahead afield, let's take a week to address the bread-and-butter of this blog, the Average Guy. You, my Average Guys, are not interested in the minutia of formal wear and setting sleeve pitches -- you want practical advice and direction in navigating the hitherto unknown world of dressing with style and aplomb, like a functioning adult in a world of adults, instead of a man-boy whose sartorial development was arrested somewhere in high school.

Your sartorial experimentation has doubtless been quelled somewhat through the winter. Such niceties as color, and shape, and style, have taken a back seat to the more utilitarian matter of not freezing to death as soon as you step outside. And that's understandable. You can't always reach for a velvet-collared Chesterfield when facing the bitter winds of winter; nor can you cut a fashionable silhouette when bundled in heavy trousers, sweaters, and waterproof parkas. I myself have fallen prey to the convenient bulky coat with attached hood, and not only a few times, over the last months.

But now! Now is the time to pack all your winter Fiberfil®-stuffed balloonwear in its vacuum-sealed spacebaggery, and get back to dressing like an adult, instead of Randy Parker from A Christmas Story.

Unfortunately, the majority of men will mark the passage of Winter into Spring by immediately breaking out the cutoff shorts, flipflops and tee shirts the moment the thermometer hits 70 degrees. (Continental types may read this as 20º.) You've seen it -- you may have even done it, in your ill-informed youth. It's as if Man has developed two modes of dress: bundled or none. For the Average Guy who is a true aspiring man of fashion, as well as those of you who merely want to improve your current mode of dress, Spring is a marvelous time of transition, that gives you the freedom and latitude to try out many different adult sartorial styles.

Since the cold of February has given way to the breezes of March, give thought to making sport coats a regular part of your wardrobe. Not just the tweeds, either, but lighter wools and cottons can play a rôle as well. Get into the habit of reaching for a light sports jacket instead of a windbreaker, and utilize the shirt, rather than the jacket, to dress against the brisker days: a heavy cotton or flannel shirt under a light sport coat can look quite smart. On the odd day that's truly inclement, start to think of layering a sweater under that light jacket instead of reverting to bundling under a heavy coat. The more you can resist reversion to your wintry ways, the better.

It's a good time to try more adventurous things at this time of year; things you aren't quite used to yet. Try wearing a long tie with a collar bar, or better yet, give bow ties a shot once in awhile; or even a light square scarf tied as a day cravat under a shirt, for the indomitably impavid. If you've never attempted stiff detachable collars, spring is a good time of year to give them a try and see if they fit your personality. Tattersall or odd waistcoats are right at home in Spring weather. On the warmer days, a waistcoat sans jacket would not be out of place, if you want to experiment with that endeavor; or a well-fit v-neck tennis sweater. Spring is ideal "hat weather" if you have been looking at a fedora or trilby -- or if you are truly fearless, even the treacherous ground of the straw skimmer. (Baseball caps need not apply.) If you have ever thought about two-toned or suede shoes of the saddle or spectator variety, but thought they were too garish to be worn, now is the time.

In your experimentation, don't go overboard with bright springtime colors or whites -- the time for that is still traditionally after Easter and into summer. The warmer, darker earth-tones and hues of winter still apply, at least for now. It's one of the reasons this month is so ideal for trying new things: the color palatte doesn't draw undue attention to itself, so you can be a bit bolder with the choice and cut of the articles and accessories!

Of course, the rules of moderation and good taste should always be followed. You want to appear insouciant and casual, as if you did not put a great deal of time or forethought into your attire. You also want to not appear overdressed or anachronistic. And you never want to look like you're trotting out brand-new clothes you've just bought. Weigh the adventurous against the traditional, and find your balance: your clothes should never overpower yourself. Try one thing, then another -- but if you put too much oddity together at once, you risk a Gatsby costume, which is where the uninitiated and unknowledgeable invariably end up.

The point here is to get into the habit of dressing well. Even if it's just a sport coat, go with that. If you condition yourself to even a minimum level of proper dress, you will cultivate the discipline to maintain that level. 

Which, really, is what men should have been taught all along.

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Go Out and Play

Chapter 31

Labor day has come and gone, and we find ourselves at the turning of the seasons at last. Your aloha shirts, white trousers, boat shoes, and spectators have hopefully been retired by now, awaiting the heat of next summer. Homecoming formals and autumn half-terms loom ahead for the students, and, after an exploding blaze of fall foliage, the long grim greyness of winter.

But between the oppressive melting heat and the oppressive bitter cold, a wonderful season, short though it is, unfolds to us. A season that beckons us to the great outdoors: fresh air, clear skies, and pleasant breezes that call to us as they did when we were children, and beg to be played in. Sports like golf, tennis, bocce, cricket, baseball, badminton, croquet, bowls; or less organized activities like hunting, fishing, camping, or riding -- these are the months for recreation.

Those who do not dress like grown-ups deal with the weather by layering their tee-shirts with sweatshirts, hoodies, windbreakers, or some sort of fleecy or flannelly barn jacket. But there are other options -- ones that are easy, cheap, and painless, and take absolutely no more attention or care than the kiddie clothes just mentioned.

Let's look at some historical options to deal with the early Autumn weather and outdoor activities, while remaining Dressed Like a Grown-Up.

Don't keep a windbreaker jacket by the front door as the standby when you hit the great outdoors -- just grab a sportcoat instead! You will instantly look more dashing and better turned-out. Can it be this easy, you ask? Absolutely. Let's take a few examples. These illustrations are from Esquire magazine from the mid-30s, but their elegance translates into the twenty-first century equally well.

This couple of fellows is a perfect example for you. Today, these guys would most likely be wearing hoodies, Levis, and Sketchers. Notice the tremendous difference in elegance that can be afforded by simply ditching the hoodie, and pulling on a jacket instead. The guy on the right wears a rough brown tweed jacket with patch pockets and wood buttons, the collar turned up against the breeze. Substitute denim for his cream colored wool flannel, Sketchers for his rubber-soled suede bluchers, and the transformation is complete. The guy on the left takes this look one step further, wearing a matching double-breasted suit of grey wool flannel, and monkstrap suede shoes. If this was white cotton or seersucker it would be too summery a fabric for this late in the year, but grey flannel fits right in with the season.

These looks aren't overdressed or stuffy looking, contrary to what many would associate with wearing a jacket, because both outfits are worn with crewneck short-sleeve shirts! The brown-jacketed fellow wears a Madras square scarf over top of his shirt, his grey-jacketed pal wears a white scarf under his shirt. Both options illustrate an important point: it is quite correct to pair a jacket with just a tee-shirt underneath, but a scarf tied as a day cravat is the required accessory.

If the scarf contrivance is a little beyond your ken, and in modern times it isn't a look that many can pull of effortlessly, it can be circumvented by wearing a shirt with a collar, or a high neckline. This gent is kitted out for a round of golf, but the look is universal. His grey flannel trousers are matched with a blue mock turtleneck and a black-and-white houndstooth jacket. The sporty border-checked cap and calfskin gloves should be waived if you aren't on the links, but the outfit otherwise works well. Traditional golf wear has been toned down in recent decades, but there's no reason a golf shirt or polo shirt can't be paired with an odd jacket like this one equally well, and worn anywhere, for a sporty autumn look.

The good thing about sporting clothes is that they come with a long tradition of what is historically correct and what isn't. If you're out to play some tennis, for instance, this traditional outfit looks much more correct than the usual kiddy clothes. From the waist up, he's dressed for around town, as well: by merely adding trousers of, say, grey flannel, and some real shoes, we have a sporty-casual look that is just right for the season. As for his friend in the suit, it's certainly a sharp look, if a bit more formal: what makes it outstanding for fall is the inclusion of some autumn colors -- his green flannel trilby hat and tan shirt -- to an otherwise monochromatic ensemble.

By taking that same green trilby hat and tan shirt, his look can be rusticated and sportified, by adding a sporty Norfolk jacket and checked flannel trousers. Not many associate a jacket, vest, and tie with casual sportiness, but notice that is indeed the impression given by this sweater vest and bow tie.

So make an effort in the next few weeks, before the weather turns to the need for heavy coats and outerwear, to augment your everyday outdoor wear with a sporty selection of sportcoats, tweeds, flannels, or woolens. Keep one by the front door, on standby. Instead of the windbreaker, reach for the sport coat. You'll be glad you did!

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Time to Put Up Your Toys

Chapter 27

The countdown to the end of Summer marches on -- the beginning of the next school term is just around the corner. Millions of school children, (and a goodly number of teachers and professors!) will soon feel the crush of reality bearing in on them; as do we all, as the carefree styles of the calescent days of July slowly give way to the breezy chills of September.

As the jackets and ties and buttoned-down Oxfords of sobriety take over our wardrobes, it's time to say a fond see-you-later to your short sleeved summery Aloha shirts, tropical patterns and florals, and pack them away for their ten-month annual hibernation.

But wait! Just how do you pack away seasonal shirts, anyway? Sure, you could just stuff them in a sack and throw them in the attic -- but wouldn't it be nicer to be able to take them out of storage in a store-fresh, ready-to-wear state?

Of course it would -- and that's what this week is all about! What follows is a step-by-step tutorial that will show you how to pack away your summer funwear in a way that would make any valet green with envy. Step into my den, and I'll demonstrate my starching, ironing, and folding procedure. If you haven't been introduced to starching or ironing in your masculine adult life yet, this will be an excellent point of departure for you!

First, let's discuss starching. Putting away shirts in a starched state will insure they stay clean and wrinkle-free until you need them again next year, as well as rendering them exceptionally easy to fold and pack off. There are many different brands of commercial starch available, in both spray and liquid form. Well, forget 'em, we're gonna make our own -- from scratch! It won't be nearly as expensive as the bottled stuff, and it will be a good deal stronger.

It's important to note here that starch is starch, whether it is made from corn, rice, potatoes, or whatever's in the pre-bottled stuff. The stuff you use on your laundry and the stuff you put in your gravy: identical. So let's get cookin'! Join me in the kitchen...

You'll need a good-sized pot. This doesn't involve anything that's not basically edible, so you can use one of your regular cooking pots. Put two quarts of water in, set it to a boil, and then lower to a simmer. Now follow along with the filmstrip. (All of these images can be super-sized by clicking on them.)

1: Measure out a quarter-cup of starch (I'm using cornstarch, available in the baking aisle of your grocery.)
2: Add the starch to a half-cup of cold water.
3: Mix with a fork until the starch powder completely dissolves.
4: Add the dissolved starch mix to the simmering pot, and turn the heat off. You want the starch to hit the water just under the boiling point for maximum effectiveness.

5: Using a wooden spoon, stir the pot constantly, until the mix turns from white to translucent, and thickens to the consistency of thin paste. This should only take a few minutes of stirring.

Voila -- two quarts of starch, easy as that! Now, a couple thoughts while we wait for our pot to cool off a bit.

First, before you ask, NO, this is not the recipe I use for starching my Razor Squares. That is a century-old concoction that involves many different ingredients and is considerably more difficult to make. (No, I will not tell you what it is.) For our purposes, this quick-and-simple basic starch will work just fine.

Second, yes, I'm using cups and quarts. You won't find me using milli-deci-anything. Call me old-fashioned, but I like the standard measure just fine, thank you. Just remember: two tablespoons to a jigger, two jiggers to a jack, two jacks to a jill, two jills to a cup, two cups to a pint, two pints to a quart, two quarts to a pottle, and two pottles to the gallon. Easy!

Now that our starch has cooled somewhat, let's move the pot to the den, where we have some clean shirts, hangers, and an ironing board awaiting us.

I strongly recommend latex gloves: any barrier between you and this rather hot sticky liquid is a good thing. Simply take a shirt, and immerse it completely in the starch.

Use your wooden spoon to push the shirt under, working out the air pockets and getting it thoroughly wet. The spoon is also handy for fishing the shirt back out. But there is plenty of room in the pot to add more shirts! Stir them around like shirt soup, making certain they are all wet right through.

1: Fish out the first shirt by the collar. Let it drip for a bit, then run it over the spoon as shown to draw some more water out. This is important, because the next step --
2: -- is to hold it high by the collar and methodically squeeze the water out from the top down. The water should be off-scalding to the point where this won't give you first-degree burns. (The gloves really help here.)
3: Fold the shirt in half, then in half again,
4: and gently wring the entire thing out. Don't overdo it: we still want it to be damp, just not dripping.

Unfold the shirt, let it hang free, fold it sleeve-to-sleeve, and lay it across the ironing board onto a towel. Continue with the other shirts in the pot the same way.

Hang the shirts on a plastic hanger. Take care to fold the collar down, straighten the sleeves, and generally adjust it so it hangs as wrinkle-free as possible. This will save you much grief later, trust me.

Hang your shirts overnight until they dry out completely; in your laundry room, or your shower curtain rod, for instance. Some love the natural outdoorsy scent of clothes line-dried outdoors.

And so we wait...

Until the next day! Notice how stiff our shirts have become; they are standing horizontally like flags. Perfect.

Now we'll go on to the ironing. You'll need to set it about medium-high, with a full head of steam. (Dampness relaxes the starch; when it dries it stiffens up again.) If your iron doesn't crank out copious amounts of steam, a spray bottle of water, or more traditionally, a damp sponge, may be needed to relax the starch as you iron.

What follows is a very thorough and methodical method of ironing, which is sure to get every seam, every corner, every inch. Is this really needed? Yes, it is. Unlike regular out-of-the-dryer ironing, heavy starch doesn't like shortcuts; and this method will pack a shirt away with absolutely no wrinkles. None. It will take a while to learn at first, but there a logic to the method; it will reveal itself to you as you work. The more shirts you do, the quicker and more automatic the process will become as you gain practice and experience.

Now, before you say anything, I know my ironing board is ratty, rusty, and stained. I do not apologize for this, nor should you -- a well-used board is a badge of honor, for it shows that you properly iron your clothes. Now follow along:

1: First, attend to the collar. With the shirt label-side down and the collar open, stretch the collar out with one hand while drawing the iron slowly towards it.
2: Flip the shirt over, and iron the other side of the collar, this time pulling with one hand and drawing the iron away from it.
3: Put the shirt shoulder over the point of the board, and pull the shoulder seam tight at the yoke.
4: Then pull the yoke seam itself tight.
5: Iron to the corner of the yoke seam at the shoulder, then sweep the iron down to the midpoint of the yoke. (Image is ironing into the corner)
6: Turn the shirt around so that the other shoulder sits over the board's point, and do the same with the other half of the yoke. (Image is sweeping the iron down the yoke.)

This completes the collar and the yoke.

7: Put the left front panel on the board so that the point sits inside the shoulder. Pull the front of the shoulder seam tight.
8: Then pull the side seam tight.
9: Iron down the side seam from under the arm to the bottom seam.
10: Run the iron down from the chest pocket to the bottom seam in several passes. Pull the bottom seam tight, run along it, then pull the placket tight and run up the placket, holding the neck point out and ironing up to it.
11: Iron above the pocket, sweeping out to the shoulder point.
12: Change the position to the right side front, and repeat the procedure. (Image shown is ironing out to the neck point and sweeping over the pocket.)

This completes the fronts.

13: Set the back on the board so the point sits inside the right shoulder. Pull the bottom seam tight, and the back tight against the point.
14: Crease the back pleat, and hold the endpoint in place.
15: Drop the iron straight down on the pleat to set it.
16: Sweep the iron down from the shoulder down to the bottom, covering the entire board. Iron along the bottom edge last.
17: Center the back over the board and sweep from the yoke to the bottom. (If you have a center pleat do it now.)
18: Repeat the procedure on the other shoulder.

This completes the back.

19: Set the shirt face down with the sleeves out. Pull the sleeve's bottom seam tight.
20: Align the ends of the sleeves, with the seam at the bottom, and pull tight to find the top crease.
21: Iron from the sleeve bottom seam, up the opening, and sweep in to the shoulder seam.
22: Flip the shirt over and iron the other side as well. Repeat for the other sleeve.

This completes the ironing of the shirt -- now we'll move on to folding it. Now that everything's starched and ironed, this won't be difficult at all!

1: Lay the shirt on its back on the board with the fronts open, and smooth it out.
2: Bring the fronts together, and button the second-from-the-top button, the bottom button, and every other button in between.
3. Bring the neckpoint up, and smooth down the front under the collar. Pull the shoulder tight to find the crease point of the yoke.
4: Iron the yoke from the neck to the shoulder, and sweep down the base of the collar.
5: Fold down the collar right at the turnover seam, and pull out the collar points while holding the pivot point at the placket. You will find a point where the geometry allows the collar to sit tight and smooth against the front of the shirt, and not bind against the yoke. (This sounds more complex than it is.)
6: Drop the iron down on the points of the collar. Don't iron the whole collar flat -- you don't want a seam where it turns around the neck.

7: Holding the shoulder with one hand, and the bottoms with the other, flip the shirt over.
8: Smooth the shirt down, making sure everything is laying flat and there are no wrinkles.
9: From the shoulder crease at the collar-turn, fold the left side over straight down to the bottom. Pull the fold tight, smooth it down and iron it.
10: Using the shoulder seam at the sleeve, flip the sleeve to the outside. Smooth the crease down. Note that the geometry of the sleeve is such that a small triangle of the fabric of the sidebody will turn over as well to allow the sleeve to lay perfectly flat.
11: Flip the sleeve back in again, and iron the sleeve down.

12: Fold the right side in, the same as you did for the left.
13: Fold the sleeves in the same fashion as well.
14: Turn up the tail and double-check that the side folds are equal -- the button should be right in the center. If not, re-do the right side slightly further out or in until the dimensions are equal, then iron the right side down.
15: Using a wooden skewer helps here. Fold the bottom third of the shirt up.
16: Pull the skewer tight while holding the fold to work out any wrinkles. Do this again, to make a three-part fold.

17: Turn the shirt over, and you are done! This tight, starchy package will pack very well as-is. But, for the finishing touch, you will need squares of tissue paper.
18: Place the tissue on the board, with the folded shirt at the bottom edge.
19: Flip the top third of the shirt over.
20: Fold in the tissue paper from both sides.
21: Flip the top of the shirt back over the tissue.
22: Fold the tissue over the shirt.

And now you're ready to stack your summer shirts in a dresser drawer, or storage box for the winter! By giving them a proper send-off like this, you'll have a stack of crisp, fresh shirts awaiting the return of hot weather next year.

And next week, we'll turn our attention on replacing those summer shirts -- with something a bit more autumnal. Stay tuned...

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The Hats of Summer

Chapter 20

It's summer, and you need a hat. Yes, you do. The blazing rays of our celestial nuclear furnace are beating down upon you, and you need to shield yourself. "I don't like hats," you might object. "They're hot, they make my head sweat, I'm not outside that much, I'm better in summer without one, thank you very much," etc. Balderdashery -- stop whining and get thee to a haberdashery!

You might be thinking of a baseball cap. Not the best choice for summer headgear: it sits tight to your scalp, absorbs heat and transfers it to your head; and the bill, while keeping some sun out of your eyes, will do nothing for your ears and back of your neck, which will be sizzling like crispy strips o' bacon in short order.

For torrid summer heat, nothing beats a real hat. You don't need to lay down loads of oof for a suitable one either; your local Chinese-Clothing-Import-Big-Box-Mart will have a cheap selection, at least one of which should be in a suitable summer style. You get what you pay for, of course, so you'd best treat it like a seasonal disposable; unless you shell out hundreds for the high-end stuff, which you can wear for decades.

Regular hats, whether of felt, fur, tweed, or cloth, are usually matched to your jacket to a greater or lesser degree: summer hats are by nature a more casual breed, that can be worn more as an afterthought accessory which matches everything. Whilst a felt fedora or tweed trilby looks a bit odd with shirtsleeves, a summer hat doesn't look out of place with a polo shirt and Bermuda shorts, making it perfect for, well, summer.

So what makes a good summer hat? A light color is essential, to reflect radiant energy and keep your noggin from broiling. A brim, all the way around, to keep the UV rays off your ears and neck. A high crown that sits a bit off the top of your head, to prevent conduction heating. And a slightly loose fit, to prevent undue sweating from contact with a too-tight sweatband.

The best material is, and always has been, straw; being lightweight, light in color, and of a loose enough weave to permit a little airflow through the crown. Cotton is a good compromise material, as is thin felt; the tradeoff is durability and waterproofity for lightness and airflow.

Most people think straw hats are "Panama hats." While all Panamas are straw, not all straw hats are Panama hats! A real Panama hat must be hand-woven in Ecuador from Jipijapa palm straw. They're made in a variety of styles, but the most iconic is the Optimo Panama.

You can tell an Optimo by its open crown
with characteristic ridge down the center.

And as with everything, the style of your hat is of no small importance. The best styles of summer hat are those which mimic real hats: most notably the fedora and homburg.

 

"Toquilla" by Monterrey, a true Panama in
the classic fedora shape.

"Eldorado" by Dobbs, with the center crease and
turned-up brim of the more formal Homburg.

Trilbys and stingy-brim styles are more for fashion than function: their brims are too narrow to be of any practical use, and make poor summer hats.

The Stetson "Mercer" trilby, for example,  
is too thin of brim to provide any real shade.

At the other extreme, unless you are a gaucho, stay away from any version of sombrero.

The first extreme: a resounding No.

The other extreme, "Charlie" porkpie by Bailey:
fashionable enough, but you won't look like much
of a hepcat with burned ears.

Those in the American West, where there is a legitimate precedent for the wearing of cowboy hats, can wear them in a summer style. Those that merely want to emulate the working Western hat, (and there are many,) can do so with a summer fedora that has a less dramatic Western-style brim and crown than the real article.

The Colorado Straw is a good cowboy-style
treatment without going over the top.

Cloth or canvas bucket hats, or fishing hats and their ilk, are too casual for public use. Use them for fishing, gardening, or at the poolside, but don't wear them "out." All summer hats are not created equal: although they are all casual, there are those you can wear out to dinner, and those you can't.

Make no mistake, the Canadian "Airflo" by Tilley is one
phenomenal fishing hat. Just don't wear it in town.

Merely wearing a hat to keep the sun off isn't enough, however. Admission into the World of the Hatted comes with some ground rules. The cap-wearing masses largely ignore these rules, and as a result the rules are quickly becoming forgotten. Learn them, and you can add that extra, subtle dash of panache to your grown-up sartorial arsenal. The rules seem complicated to the uninitiated, but next week I'll break all the hat-rules down to their essentials...and it's not as complicated as you think!

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